[ the emotion is. bad. a huge mess. he feels kind of sick with anxiety, which is a very Weird emotion coming from gale who is normally not that anxious of a guy! ]
I didn't-- ... I did not want to have this conversation cursed, it feels ... presumptuous. Somehow. As if I am taking advantage of some strange magic or some even stranger task that is telling you to do these things when you do not actually want to and that would not be a way in which I would care to behave. The very last thing on this earth I would ever want is to take advantage of you somehow because of something I want and you feel you must return in obligation. I care about you very much, and I know that is important to you, and if it is important to you then it is important to me.
[ he is just keeping his hands on astarion's shoulders though, fingers digging in a little before he realizes he's doing it and lets go, suddenly a little ashamed. ]
So if that is that and this is this, then what in the Nine Hells is this?
[ well he can try and let go, but there's a sort of... frustrated, annoyed prickle of emotion coming from astarion. like, what's new there? he's always prickly. he's always a little annoyed. but it's abnormal in that it's all of that and lost at the same time. like annoyance at being unable to navigate uncharted waters, frustration that everything's getting in the way of figuring it out.
or just. the desire to not figure it out. to let it bob along as is.
which all ends with him grabbing gale's wrists as he pulls his hands away. ]
I'm not fucked in the head, Gale.
[ he can understand, in a way. he did spend a very long time saying one thing and subconsciously doing another, before all this. not wanting to do something but knowing he would anyway. just get on with it, close his eyes and not think about it.
but he'd had his miserable little moment of clarity in moonrise, had his miserable little moment of not knowing what he wanted and having to pull himself back and really look at himself -- an experience he never wanted to go through again -- and start picking apart all the snarls and knots and scars left behind there. ]
-- Well, not. Not because of the curse anyway. [ trauma. ]
The curse is one thing, I've spent half the bloody day telling people I can't wait to not want to hug people! [ he hasn't! said that here! but-- ]
But I don't-- [ pulling words out and having to talk about things, especially when they matter, makes him want to crawl somewhere very small and dark and not think about it. feeling exposed like this makes his skin crawl, but the niggling doubt about what could happen if he squirms out of this makes him feel even worse. like there's a chasm in front of him and he either has to jump or remain stuck in one place. ]
I don't know what the Nine Hells this is. But I like it. [ whatever's left after all that, emotion wise, is just very, very small and very, very vulnerable. like ribs cracked open, chest and blood and bone exposed and nowhere to hide from it. ]
[ it is the eternal wizard brain conundrum to find a problem and then poke and prise apart and over analyze every specific little detail and turn it over in his head until it makes complete nonsense of something probably perfectly obvious. the action of repeating a word until it is only noise instead of understanding the meaning. basically the entire thing was driving him completely insane and if he didn’t ask he was going to freaking explode with or without the bomb.
he starts - surprised - when his wrists get grabbed and stands there completely dumbfounded while astarion does this entire little meltdown without interruption. it would be very easy to cut and run at this point. to go no it was a fun laugh and maybe it should stop and then it could be over and no one the worse for wear. gale is more than expecting it: the wall being rebuilt as quickly as it had been torn down, a safe distance re-established. but then he doesn’t. ]
Alright. Okay, okay—-
[ theres both a visible and internal obvious flood of relief at this most astarion of answers. a real “or what” style reply to the question of “do you want me or what.” but he is not insane, he is not building something in his head that isn’t real and he has not romanticized something he shouldn’t have. again. the messiness of it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. messy is real, while too pitch perfect can ring false.
sort of a soft hurt of a laugh, letting his forehead drop to rest against astarion’s. ]
[ he's like some kind of creature vibrating with Too Much -- energy, stress, emotion, a little of everything. it makes sense after the weekend they've had with all their emotions raw and frayed.
astarion's done pitch perfect, he's used to pitch perfect. not doing pitch perfect feels like he's spiralling out of control and losing his grip on himself and the situation all at once.
but it does feel real. very real. he's not used to very real. ]
...
[ he blinks when gale drops their foreheads together, squinting slightly at the very light impact. ]
I have no clue what I'm doing. [ he's said this so many times, but he really, really doesn't. ] But-- I don't mind that, actually.
[ oopsies. accidentally fake dated your way into real dating who the fuck would have thought two very emotionally Weird people would be ae to be normal about that. sometimes there is not a freaking difference between pretending to date somone and just dating someone. morons.
anyway i guess someone has to be an alpha around here so just gently pulling one hand to cup his cheek and kiss him. ]
[ the fake dating au of booktok's dreams and they just idiod'd their way right through it. 10/10 would read the sequel, hope they have no braincells there either.
i'm proud of you for eschewing the bottom allegations in chat. also a good thing because otherwise they might've just stood there like a terrible romance cover for the rest of the thread. as it is, astarion will relinquish his grasp on the hand gale's using to cup his cheek, but tighten his grip on the other one. with one hand free, he slips it down and around gale's waist to tug him closer. ]
[ they are trying their best and that’s all that matters. maybe. speaking of idiocy, gale definitely is out of practice with the whole. physical kissing thing. i was gonna say he’s probably a decade out of practice but camille also kissed him but i don’t think he learned anything from that. ]
[ help. that's fair, sometimes you are abandoned by literal god and that does some things to you. also i am so glad kabby's execution kiss streak continues, honestly. ]
Hmmm.
That's nothing that can't be sorted with a little practice.
[ sometimes your goddess girlfriend does not like non-astral banging. gale is a little shy but look. no point in being coy at this point. ]
Of course. One hardly ever learns perfectly on the first try. [ well, ] In a metaphorical sense. I actually did learn a lot of spells perfectly on the first try.
[ R E S I G N E D but in a way that annoyingly comes across a fond. like a man who has accepted his fate. and his fate has a lot of academic musing on spells in its future.
it’s fine. ]
He says, still talking.
[ and he can already sense the backtalk to that coming so he just removes his hand and kisses him again to shut him up instead. much better. ]
[ that'll work, smart thinking. look it's a little awkward they are just in the middle of the hallway and astarion probably has a lot of shopping bags on the floor now, but also he's just kind of too giddy to do anything but this at the moment. ]
this will just have to be everyone else’s issue. there probably are a lot of shopping bags on the floor and they were meant to be going to bookstore? or something? but it’s fine. plans change. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ the emotion is. bad. a huge mess. he feels kind of sick with anxiety, which is a very Weird emotion coming from gale who is normally not that anxious of a guy! ]
I didn't-- ... I did not want to have this conversation cursed, it feels ... presumptuous. Somehow. As if I am taking advantage of some strange magic or some even stranger task that is telling you to do these things when you do not actually want to and that would not be a way in which I would care to behave. The very last thing on this earth I would ever want is to take advantage of you somehow because of something I want and you feel you must return in obligation. I care about you very much, and I know that is important to you, and if it is important to you then it is important to me.
[ he is just keeping his hands on astarion's shoulders though, fingers digging in a little before he realizes he's doing it and lets go, suddenly a little ashamed. ]
So if that is that and this is this, then what in the Nine Hells is this?
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or just. the desire to not figure it out. to let it bob along as is.
which all ends with him grabbing gale's wrists as he pulls his hands away. ]
I'm not fucked in the head, Gale.
[ he can understand, in a way. he did spend a very long time saying one thing and subconsciously doing another, before all this. not wanting to do something but knowing he would anyway. just get on with it, close his eyes and not think about it.
but he'd had his miserable little moment of clarity in moonrise, had his miserable little moment of not knowing what he wanted and having to pull himself back and really look at himself -- an experience he never wanted to go through again -- and start picking apart all the snarls and knots and scars left behind there. ]
-- Well, not. Not because of the curse anyway. [ trauma. ]
The curse is one thing, I've spent half the bloody day telling people I can't wait to not want to hug people! [ he hasn't! said that here! but-- ]
But I don't-- [ pulling words out and having to talk about things, especially when they matter, makes him want to crawl somewhere very small and dark and not think about it. feeling exposed like this makes his skin crawl, but the niggling doubt about what could happen if he squirms out of this makes him feel even worse. like there's a chasm in front of him and he either has to jump or remain stuck in one place. ]
I don't know what the Nine Hells this is. But I like it. [ whatever's left after all that, emotion wise, is just very, very small and very, very vulnerable. like ribs cracked open, chest and blood and bone exposed and nowhere to hide from it. ]
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he starts - surprised - when his wrists get grabbed and stands there completely dumbfounded while astarion does this entire little meltdown without interruption. it would be very easy to cut and run at this point. to go no it was a fun laugh and maybe it should stop and then it could be over and no one the worse for wear. gale is more than expecting it: the wall being rebuilt as quickly as it had been torn down, a safe distance re-established. but then he doesn’t. ]
Alright. Okay, okay—-
[ theres both a visible and internal obvious flood of relief at this most astarion of answers. a real “or what” style reply to the question of “do you want me or what.” but he is not insane, he is not building something in his head that isn’t real and he has not romanticized something he shouldn’t have. again. the messiness of it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. messy is real, while too pitch perfect can ring false.
sort of a soft hurt of a laugh, letting his forehead drop to rest against astarion’s. ]
I like it too.
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astarion's done pitch perfect, he's used to pitch perfect. not doing pitch perfect feels like he's spiralling out of control and losing his grip on himself and the situation all at once.
but it does feel real. very real. he's not used to very real. ]
...
[ he blinks when gale drops their foreheads together, squinting slightly at the very light impact. ]
I have no clue what I'm doing. [ he's said this so many times, but he really, really doesn't. ] But-- I don't mind that, actually.
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anyway i guess someone has to be an alpha around here so just gently pulling one hand to cup his cheek and kiss him. ]
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i'm proud of you for eschewing the bottom allegations in chat. also a good thing because otherwise they might've just stood there like a terrible romance cover for the rest of the thread. as it is, astarion will relinquish his grasp on the hand gale's using to cup his cheek, but tighten his grip on the other one. with one hand free, he slips it down and around gale's waist to tug him closer. ]
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A bit rusty, I’m afraid.
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Hmmm.
That's nothing that can't be sorted with a little practice.
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Of course. One hardly ever learns perfectly on the first try. [ well, ] In a metaphorical sense. I actually did learn a lot of spells perfectly on the first try.
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Yes, yes, your brain is huge and very attractive. Stop talking about spells.
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slightly muffled: ]
Then I will remain silent until you require further use of my mouth.
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it’s fine. ]
He says, still talking.
[ and he can already sense the backtalk to that coming so he just removes his hand and kisses him again to shut him up instead. much better. ]
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this will just have to be everyone else’s issue. there probably are a lot of shopping bags on the floor and they were meant to be going to bookstore? or something? but it’s fine. plans change. ]