[ when gale shows up dead on friday i'm flying to nyc to fight you ]
We could say that about a lot of things we've done here, I think. The orb's gone, at least. That's... one less thing, at least. [ and hey, that's something. in the middle of all the bs! that's something.
also pff. ] There's no one here, you know. What are you being shy about?
I think that is how we must think about these things, yes. One at a time.
[ It is something! but resisting the dark urge to swat him like a naughty cat for that commentary. ]
You are here, and you certainly aren't no one. [ though their numbers are certainly reduced. ] And if someone were to walk by, I don't know what it would look like.
[ fix all the things, ????, profit! sounds good to him. ] Too overwhelming. You get lost in your own mess.
[ i hate him actually. but he does chuckle at that before doing a slow circle around gale. this is bound to make him feel less self-conscious and comfortable. ]
Oh, I wouldn't worry. You look very dashing, my dear. The lack of a goddess given curse really gives you a glow.
I stand by it. It was a good plan. Stabbing Cazador worked out just fine for me.
[ rattles the secret thing. astarion is just -- pleased with himself? there's always going to be that undercurrent of misery after this weekend, it's all very fresh and raw, too much so for silly little shops and restaurants to fully bandage over.
but there's a pleased sort of contentment there from the company. and a secret thing :/ ]
You're welcome. [ pats his arm before taking it hostage again. ]
We ... probably should have had more of a plan for Cazador ...
[ but he can't argue with results. trying to do his shirt up when his arm is taken so just giving into that instead. ]
It's strange isn't it? That it feels as if she might still be here. Around a corner, or waiting in another room. I don't know if it feels real yet, that it might just be the two of us.
[ he makes a little 'meh' noise. it worked out. the bastard died. and yeah. the tits remain free. who said planning did you any good anyway?
... ]
We know she's somewhere. Just... not where that somewhere is. [ ... he leans to rest his head on gale's shoulder a little tiredly. it's probably very awkward, given they're still walking, but he does it anyway. ] But, true. She has a way of filling up a room.
I get the impression some people would've liked to say goodbye to her. But frankly, I'm not sure how much I can bring myself to care. [ it is incredibly selfish, given they had plenty of time to say their goodbyes. and just as selfish given they would've tried to save her if they could, but he thinks if he'd had to line up and wait for everyone to cry and hug her goodbye he might've lost his mind. ]
[ yeah but he likes this a lot. it's kind of nice to just be comfortably touchy-feely with someone and apparently have astarion seek that out in return. it's a bit of a surprise, but it's nice.
anyway he agrees entirely. having to organize an entire goodbye parade and then go around telling everyone who might possibly have a feeling about it their plan and hear all the arguments for and against it ... a nightmare. ]
I understand. I don't know how much it would have helped, and I don't even know if it is what she would have wanted. To be argued with about why and how and every detail until the last moment.
[ he’s been grumpy every other time this has happened but this here? he doesn’t really mind it. ]
Well, if anyone comes to me wanting to know why I’ll send them your way to explain in great detail. I’m not sure I wouldn’t just tell them to go away.
[ don’t do that. ]
I think it would’ve made it harder for her. And I think I’ve had a-bloody-nough of that.
Oh I don’t know that I would have a good explanation to satisfy everyone. It’s as Todomatsu says, I am a deeply twisted and unpleasant person so I clearly enjoy doing it.
Yes, well. I suppose in someone like him it would cause a level of trauma he wouldn’t be used to.
[ bringing her back wasn’t likely to change that, but he truly does not have the time or inclination to worry about whether todomatsu is traumatised now. he has priorities and that is not one of them. ]
…
[ well. one thing about emotionshare is the inability to hide quite the same. he has gale’s arm in an inescapable grip so it’s not hard to tug him in and press a kiss to his cheek. there’s a blip of something like bewilderment and fluster immediate after, but nothing to suggest discomfort. ]
You’re hardly as all loving as Karlach, my dear, but who is? I wouldn’t worry too much though — you’re far better than most.
he looks baffled and also flushes immediately but the emotion is a little more complex. because it's both the most confused he's ever been in his entire life and also incredibly pleased and then confused again.
gently turning him, putting both hands on astarion's shoulders and gripping him so they face each other. ]
I didn’t hug enough last week so that’s probably why half of us are going around hugging each other now…?
[ that’s not quite the same though. ]
…
[ hm. wait. ]
That’s— [ hang on. he has no! idea! what he’s doing! ] That’s that and this is this though. You were plenty affectionate last week? [ why the freaking out!!! he says freaking out.
aside from just the general emotions of i don’t know whaaat i’m doing, his emotions aren’t uncomfortable or suggest he’s unhappy with any of this ]
[ the emotion is. bad. a huge mess. he feels kind of sick with anxiety, which is a very Weird emotion coming from gale who is normally not that anxious of a guy! ]
I didn't-- ... I did not want to have this conversation cursed, it feels ... presumptuous. Somehow. As if I am taking advantage of some strange magic or some even stranger task that is telling you to do these things when you do not actually want to and that would not be a way in which I would care to behave. The very last thing on this earth I would ever want is to take advantage of you somehow because of something I want and you feel you must return in obligation. I care about you very much, and I know that is important to you, and if it is important to you then it is important to me.
[ he is just keeping his hands on astarion's shoulders though, fingers digging in a little before he realizes he's doing it and lets go, suddenly a little ashamed. ]
So if that is that and this is this, then what in the Nine Hells is this?
[ well he can try and let go, but there's a sort of... frustrated, annoyed prickle of emotion coming from astarion. like, what's new there? he's always prickly. he's always a little annoyed. but it's abnormal in that it's all of that and lost at the same time. like annoyance at being unable to navigate uncharted waters, frustration that everything's getting in the way of figuring it out.
or just. the desire to not figure it out. to let it bob along as is.
which all ends with him grabbing gale's wrists as he pulls his hands away. ]
I'm not fucked in the head, Gale.
[ he can understand, in a way. he did spend a very long time saying one thing and subconsciously doing another, before all this. not wanting to do something but knowing he would anyway. just get on with it, close his eyes and not think about it.
but he'd had his miserable little moment of clarity in moonrise, had his miserable little moment of not knowing what he wanted and having to pull himself back and really look at himself -- an experience he never wanted to go through again -- and start picking apart all the snarls and knots and scars left behind there. ]
-- Well, not. Not because of the curse anyway. [ trauma. ]
The curse is one thing, I've spent half the bloody day telling people I can't wait to not want to hug people! [ he hasn't! said that here! but-- ]
But I don't-- [ pulling words out and having to talk about things, especially when they matter, makes him want to crawl somewhere very small and dark and not think about it. feeling exposed like this makes his skin crawl, but the niggling doubt about what could happen if he squirms out of this makes him feel even worse. like there's a chasm in front of him and he either has to jump or remain stuck in one place. ]
I don't know what the Nine Hells this is. But I like it. [ whatever's left after all that, emotion wise, is just very, very small and very, very vulnerable. like ribs cracked open, chest and blood and bone exposed and nowhere to hide from it. ]
[ it is the eternal wizard brain conundrum to find a problem and then poke and prise apart and over analyze every specific little detail and turn it over in his head until it makes complete nonsense of something probably perfectly obvious. the action of repeating a word until it is only noise instead of understanding the meaning. basically the entire thing was driving him completely insane and if he didn’t ask he was going to freaking explode with or without the bomb.
he starts - surprised - when his wrists get grabbed and stands there completely dumbfounded while astarion does this entire little meltdown without interruption. it would be very easy to cut and run at this point. to go no it was a fun laugh and maybe it should stop and then it could be over and no one the worse for wear. gale is more than expecting it: the wall being rebuilt as quickly as it had been torn down, a safe distance re-established. but then he doesn’t. ]
Alright. Okay, okay—-
[ theres both a visible and internal obvious flood of relief at this most astarion of answers. a real “or what” style reply to the question of “do you want me or what.” but he is not insane, he is not building something in his head that isn’t real and he has not romanticized something he shouldn’t have. again. the messiness of it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. messy is real, while too pitch perfect can ring false.
sort of a soft hurt of a laugh, letting his forehead drop to rest against astarion’s. ]
[ he's like some kind of creature vibrating with Too Much -- energy, stress, emotion, a little of everything. it makes sense after the weekend they've had with all their emotions raw and frayed.
astarion's done pitch perfect, he's used to pitch perfect. not doing pitch perfect feels like he's spiralling out of control and losing his grip on himself and the situation all at once.
but it does feel real. very real. he's not used to very real. ]
...
[ he blinks when gale drops their foreheads together, squinting slightly at the very light impact. ]
I have no clue what I'm doing. [ he's said this so many times, but he really, really doesn't. ] But-- I don't mind that, actually.
[ oopsies. accidentally fake dated your way into real dating who the fuck would have thought two very emotionally Weird people would be ae to be normal about that. sometimes there is not a freaking difference between pretending to date somone and just dating someone. morons.
anyway i guess someone has to be an alpha around here so just gently pulling one hand to cup his cheek and kiss him. ]
[ the fake dating au of booktok's dreams and they just idiod'd their way right through it. 10/10 would read the sequel, hope they have no braincells there either.
i'm proud of you for eschewing the bottom allegations in chat. also a good thing because otherwise they might've just stood there like a terrible romance cover for the rest of the thread. as it is, astarion will relinquish his grasp on the hand gale's using to cup his cheek, but tighten his grip on the other one. with one hand free, he slips it down and around gale's waist to tug him closer. ]
[ they are trying their best and that’s all that matters. maybe. speaking of idiocy, gale definitely is out of practice with the whole. physical kissing thing. i was gonna say he’s probably a decade out of practice but camille also kissed him but i don’t think he learned anything from that. ]
[ help. that's fair, sometimes you are abandoned by literal god and that does some things to you. also i am so glad kabby's execution kiss streak continues, honestly. ]
Hmmm.
That's nothing that can't be sorted with a little practice.
[ sometimes your goddess girlfriend does not like non-astral banging. gale is a little shy but look. no point in being coy at this point. ]
Of course. One hardly ever learns perfectly on the first try. [ well, ] In a metaphorical sense. I actually did learn a lot of spells perfectly on the first try.
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[ a joke? but as with a lot of jokes, the emotionshare might give away there is definitely a nervous undercurrent to that joke.
already trying to do up his shirt again because the ROBOTS in the BOOKSTORE might see. ]
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We could say that about a lot of things we've done here, I think. The orb's gone, at least. That's... one less thing, at least. [ and hey, that's something. in the middle of all the bs! that's something.
also pff. ] There's no one here, you know. What are you being shy about?
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[ It is something! but resisting the dark urge to swat him like a naughty cat for that commentary. ]
You are here, and you certainly aren't no one. [ though their numbers are certainly reduced. ] And if someone were to walk by, I don't know what it would look like.
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[ fix all the things, ????, profit! sounds good to him. ] Too overwhelming. You get lost in your own mess.
[ i hate him actually. but he does chuckle at that before doing a slow circle around gale. this is bound to make him feel less self-conscious and comfortable. ]
Oh, I wouldn't worry. You look very dashing, my dear. The lack of a goddess given curse really gives you a glow.
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[ gale's emotion is now, predictably, incredibly self-concious. and some of the secret thing again. ]
Thank you?
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[ rattles the secret thing. astarion is just -- pleased with himself? there's always going to be that undercurrent of misery after this weekend, it's all very fresh and raw, too much so for silly little shops and restaurants to fully bandage over.
but there's a pleased sort of contentment there from the company. and a secret thing :/ ]
You're welcome. [ pats his arm before taking it hostage again. ]
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[ but he can't argue with results. trying to do his shirt up when his arm is taken so just giving into that instead. ]
It's strange isn't it? That it feels as if she might still be here. Around a corner, or waiting in another room. I don't know if it feels real yet, that it might just be the two of us.
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... ]
We know she's somewhere. Just... not where that somewhere is. [ ... he leans to rest his head on gale's shoulder a little tiredly. it's probably very awkward, given they're still walking, but he does it anyway. ] But, true. She has a way of filling up a room.
I get the impression some people would've liked to say goodbye to her. But frankly, I'm not sure how much I can bring myself to care. [ it is incredibly selfish, given they had plenty of time to say their goodbyes. and just as selfish given they would've tried to save her if they could, but he thinks if he'd had to line up and wait for everyone to cry and hug her goodbye he might've lost his mind. ]
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anyway he agrees entirely. having to organize an entire goodbye parade and then go around telling everyone who might possibly have a feeling about it their plan and hear all the arguments for and against it ... a nightmare. ]
I understand. I don't know how much it would have helped, and I don't even know if it is what she would have wanted. To be argued with about why and how and every detail until the last moment.
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Well, if anyone comes to me wanting to know why I’ll send them your way to explain in great detail. I’m not sure I wouldn’t just tell them to go away.
[ don’t do that. ]
I think it would’ve made it harder for her. And I think I’ve had a-bloody-nough of that.
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…
He said what now?
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During Anis's party. I think he took Camille's death and finding her corpse rather hard.
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Yes, well. I suppose in someone like him it would cause a level of trauma he wouldn’t be used to.
[ bringing her back wasn’t likely to change that, but he truly does not have the time or inclination to worry about whether todomatsu is traumatised now. he has priorities and that is not one of them. ]
…
[ well. one thing about emotionshare is the inability to hide quite the same. he has gale’s arm in an inescapable grip so it’s not hard to tug him in and press a kiss to his cheek. there’s a blip of something like bewilderment and fluster immediate after, but nothing to suggest discomfort. ]
You’re hardly as all loving as Karlach, my dear, but who is? I wouldn’t worry too much though — you’re far better than most.
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he looks baffled and also flushes immediately but the emotion is a little more complex. because it's both the most confused he's ever been in his entire life and also incredibly pleased and then confused again.
gently turning him, putting both hands on astarion's shoulders and gripping him so they face each other. ]
... Are you cursed right now?
[ smooth. ]
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I didn’t hug enough last week so that’s probably why half of us are going around hugging each other now…?
[ that’s not quite the same though. ]
…
[ hm. wait. ]
That’s— [ hang on. he has no! idea! what he’s doing! ] That’s that and this is this though. You were plenty affectionate last week? [ why the freaking out!!! he says freaking out.
aside from just the general emotions of i don’t know whaaat i’m doing, his emotions aren’t uncomfortable or suggest he’s unhappy with any of this ]
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[ the emotion is. bad. a huge mess. he feels kind of sick with anxiety, which is a very Weird emotion coming from gale who is normally not that anxious of a guy! ]
I didn't-- ... I did not want to have this conversation cursed, it feels ... presumptuous. Somehow. As if I am taking advantage of some strange magic or some even stranger task that is telling you to do these things when you do not actually want to and that would not be a way in which I would care to behave. The very last thing on this earth I would ever want is to take advantage of you somehow because of something I want and you feel you must return in obligation. I care about you very much, and I know that is important to you, and if it is important to you then it is important to me.
[ he is just keeping his hands on astarion's shoulders though, fingers digging in a little before he realizes he's doing it and lets go, suddenly a little ashamed. ]
So if that is that and this is this, then what in the Nine Hells is this?
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or just. the desire to not figure it out. to let it bob along as is.
which all ends with him grabbing gale's wrists as he pulls his hands away. ]
I'm not fucked in the head, Gale.
[ he can understand, in a way. he did spend a very long time saying one thing and subconsciously doing another, before all this. not wanting to do something but knowing he would anyway. just get on with it, close his eyes and not think about it.
but he'd had his miserable little moment of clarity in moonrise, had his miserable little moment of not knowing what he wanted and having to pull himself back and really look at himself -- an experience he never wanted to go through again -- and start picking apart all the snarls and knots and scars left behind there. ]
-- Well, not. Not because of the curse anyway. [ trauma. ]
The curse is one thing, I've spent half the bloody day telling people I can't wait to not want to hug people! [ he hasn't! said that here! but-- ]
But I don't-- [ pulling words out and having to talk about things, especially when they matter, makes him want to crawl somewhere very small and dark and not think about it. feeling exposed like this makes his skin crawl, but the niggling doubt about what could happen if he squirms out of this makes him feel even worse. like there's a chasm in front of him and he either has to jump or remain stuck in one place. ]
I don't know what the Nine Hells this is. But I like it. [ whatever's left after all that, emotion wise, is just very, very small and very, very vulnerable. like ribs cracked open, chest and blood and bone exposed and nowhere to hide from it. ]
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he starts - surprised - when his wrists get grabbed and stands there completely dumbfounded while astarion does this entire little meltdown without interruption. it would be very easy to cut and run at this point. to go no it was a fun laugh and maybe it should stop and then it could be over and no one the worse for wear. gale is more than expecting it: the wall being rebuilt as quickly as it had been torn down, a safe distance re-established. but then he doesn’t. ]
Alright. Okay, okay—-
[ theres both a visible and internal obvious flood of relief at this most astarion of answers. a real “or what” style reply to the question of “do you want me or what.” but he is not insane, he is not building something in his head that isn’t real and he has not romanticized something he shouldn’t have. again. the messiness of it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. messy is real, while too pitch perfect can ring false.
sort of a soft hurt of a laugh, letting his forehead drop to rest against astarion’s. ]
I like it too.
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astarion's done pitch perfect, he's used to pitch perfect. not doing pitch perfect feels like he's spiralling out of control and losing his grip on himself and the situation all at once.
but it does feel real. very real. he's not used to very real. ]
...
[ he blinks when gale drops their foreheads together, squinting slightly at the very light impact. ]
I have no clue what I'm doing. [ he's said this so many times, but he really, really doesn't. ] But-- I don't mind that, actually.
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anyway i guess someone has to be an alpha around here so just gently pulling one hand to cup his cheek and kiss him. ]
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i'm proud of you for eschewing the bottom allegations in chat. also a good thing because otherwise they might've just stood there like a terrible romance cover for the rest of the thread. as it is, astarion will relinquish his grasp on the hand gale's using to cup his cheek, but tighten his grip on the other one. with one hand free, he slips it down and around gale's waist to tug him closer. ]
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A bit rusty, I’m afraid.
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Hmmm.
That's nothing that can't be sorted with a little practice.
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Of course. One hardly ever learns perfectly on the first try. [ well, ] In a metaphorical sense. I actually did learn a lot of spells perfectly on the first try.
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